Explaining depression

Explaining my depression to my mother: A conversation 

Mom, my depression is a shapeshifter 
One day it's as small as a firefly in the palm of a bear 
The next it's the bear 
On those days I play dead until the bear leaves me alone 
I call the bad days "the Dark Days" 
Mom says, "try lighting candles" 
But when I see a candle, I see the flesh of a church 
The flicker of a flame 
Sparks of a memory younger than noon 
I am standing beside her open casket 
It is the moment I learn every person I ever come to know will someday die 
Besides Mom, I'm not afraid of the dark, perhaps that's part of the problem 
Mom says, "I thought the problem was that you can't get out of bed" 
I can't, anxiety holds me a hostage inside of my house, inside of my head 

Mom says, "Where did anxiety come from?" 
Anxiety is the cousin visiting from out of town that depression felt obligated to bring to the party Mom, I am the party, only I am a party I don't want to be at 
Mom says, "Why don't you try going to actual parties, see your friends" 
Sure I make plans, I make plans but I don't want to go 
I make plans because I know I should want to go; I know sometimes I would have wanted to go 
It's just not that much fun having fun when you don't want to have fun, Mom 
You see, Mom, each night Insomnia sweeps me up in his arms, dips me in the kitchen in the small glow of the stove-light 
Insomnia has this romantic way of making the moon feel like perfect company 
Mom says, "Try counting sheep" 
But my mind can only count reasons to stay awake 
So I go for walks, but my stuttering kneecaps clank like silver spoons held in strong arms with loose wrists 
They ring in my ears like clumsy church bells, reminding me I am sleepwalking on an ocean of happiness that I cannot baptize myself in 

Mom says, "Happy is a decision" 
But my happy is as hollow as a pin pricked egg 
My happy is a high fever that will break 
Mom says I am so good at making something out of nothing and then flat out asks me if I am afraid of dying 
No, I am afraid of living 
Mom, I am lonely 
I think I learned that when Dad left how to turn the anger into lonely the lonely into busy 
So when I say I've been super busy lately 
I mean I've been falling asleep watching Sports Center on the couch 
To avoid confronting the empty side of my bed 
But my depression always drags me back to my bed 
Until my bones are the forgotten fossils of a skeleton sunken city 
My mouth a boneyard of teeth broken from biting down on themselves 
The hollow auditorium of my chest swoons with echoes of a heartbeat 
But I am a careless tourist here 
I will never truly know everywhere I have been 

Mom still doesn't understand 
Mom, can't you see 
That neither can I

 - Sabrina Benaim -






 

i orang Malaysia

i orang Malaysia

i orang Malaysia
i suka tinju
dan lumba kereta

tapi i tak suka
sastera,
that buatan
zaman tok wan kita.

sejarah is a problem
menjadi masalah,
ganggu i punya sembang
kacau i punya fikiran.

i suka rock amerika
dan gaya jepun
gaya melayu i benci
kuno, i dunno,
untuk mak cik saja.

i tak suka baca
tapi suka race
motosikal dan kereta.

i orang Malaysia
we patut pakai english
pasal english bahasa best,
dari wangnya
boleh beli kasut gucci.
i suka pegi ke
london dan itali.

i sayang Malaysia
semuanya boleh
Malaysia boleh.

di Malaysia
kalau salah jarang kena
tangkap.
i sayang Malaysia.


nukilan Sasterawan Negara
Muhammad Haji Salleh





p/s : masih xde masa nak update. huhuhu.......

For my best buddy

Happiness is when u see someone u love and care about happy. its bring tears to my eyes when i see u happy.

really bro. am happy for u.

i may not say this often bcoz it may sound cheesy or a bit awkward but hey i love u so much that it hurts me to see u heart broken for the first time.

and when u finally found ur better half, i was so happy.

when u got married, i was speechless. i'm happy beyond words.
 it's like something inside me just burst into fireworks. and i kinda nearly cried.




if u eventually read my note here, plz keep it a secret. bcoz it may sound like i just marry off my son or sumthing. hehehe u know me. tough on the outside, but like tissue in the inside.







from,
u r very best friend.





p/s : love ur vid so much. wish i had one. huhuhu



p/s/s : can't post this on fb. malu.....hihihihii

I can't simply forgive and forget

yeah I have a head like a rock they say.

it's true I must say that

some things a better kept silent than being said.





there.
I've said it.

How I Wish

how I wish
that i'm strong enough
to walk through the world without sorrow

how I wish
i'm patient enough
to stay strong in this battle

how I wish
i'm brave enough
to fight with the evil ones

how I wish
my heart is as hard as a rock
so that when I hit rock bottom
it doesn't crack and vanishes like sands on the beach

I may look strong
I may look brave
I may look like I don't care a bit about the world

but in fact

I'm just human
I have feelings
I do care
I do feel
I sometimes cry in my sleep
because I can't rely to anyone
to be me and stand tall



but still

thanks for asking
even if it didn't do much
but it felt good



thanks.

LOve BiTeS!!!!

I know we're not perfect
that's why we have each other
To complete one another
I love u babe, I hope you do too
Each time I see the sunrise, I thinks of you
Everytime I walk that road, there's always memories of me and you
I know I sound pathetic but this waiting and longing
is making me lost and falling apart
I want you! No more but only you!