Saya mangsa buli

 Bila baca tajuk ni rasa macam x percaya je kan? heh aku pun hampir x percaya. benda dah lama jadi. aku pun dah malas nak fikir dah sebenarnya tapi bila kes buli sampai mendatangkan kematian makin menjadi2 kat Malaysia ni, aku jadi triggered.

aku x boleh dengar lagu untuk budak tu.

aku bukan x simpati

aku x boleh

sama macam aku x boleh tengok gambar dekat G@za

anyway, orang kalau tengok aku mesti x percaya aku pernah kena buli. ala kalau aku cakap dulu aku pernah masuk pertandingan nasyid pun orang x percaya kan....

aku masa kecik2 memang agak boyish. tomboy la orang panggil. kawan pun ramai budak lelaki. masa tu aku sekolah area bandar. jadi kalau kawan dengan lelaki tu biasa. masa rehat cari spider sama2 tu biasa. petang2 main basikal pastu panjat pokok pun biasa. aku bukan x main dengan budak2 perempuan cuma diorang ni kuat merajuk. aku plak hati kental, malas nak pujuk. baik aku main dengan budak lelaki. kurang sikit drama.

tetiba masa nak masuk darjah 6, aku kena pindah sekolah sebab ayah aku kena tukar tempat keje. jadi aku dah tukar jadi alim2 sikit sebab sekolah kampung kan lelaki perempuan meja asing2. duduk dekat kantin pun asing. aku sekolah kawasan kampung situ sampai tingkatan 3. 

bila masuk tingkatan 4, aku dapat masuk sekolah asrama. bukan la sekolah yg paling top tapi top 10 jugak kot. entah aku lupa. sekolah ni pun acah2 islamik la kot. tapi dalam kelas duduk tak asing sangat. lelaki duduk depan, perempuan duduk belakang. masa ni la aku kenal bestfriend aku. yang x best nya, die x duduk asrama.

masa minggu orentasi kawan aku lepak la asrama tapi lepas je setel, dia terus mintak keluar. x tahan dengan peraturan asrama. asrama kitorg amalkan sistem adik dengan kakak angkat. kirakan bila ko masuk dorm, kan ada katil tingkat.. biasanya junior akan kena tido atas. senior akan tido bawah. bila ko satu katil dengan senior ni, automatik die jadi kakak angkat ko.

ala sekolah aku ni pun ada 2 form je. tingkatan 4 dengan tingkatan 5. beza setahun je pun. tapi still diorang ni kategori senior..kategori kakak abang.,memang tak boleh langgar cakap diorang la kiranya. 

ok aku cerita ni dari sudut pandang aku ye. kalau rasa ini bukan kes buli, x payah la sambung baca.

masa mula2 aku masuk dorm, aku masuk lambat sehari kot dari hari pendaftaran. sebab surat sampai lambat. jadi bila masuk dorm, semua katil dah ada orang. almari pun sama. katil yg tinggal cuma katil ketua dorm, sbb dia selalu x lepak dorm jadi xde budak nak tido katil die. jadi aku la jadi junior die merangkap adik angkat. tapi disebabkan die tido dorm kawan die, org lain amik alih jadi 'ketua' dorm. kira ketua x sah la.

bermula la aku jadi orang suruhan diorang. ye, bukan sorang. semua senior dorm tu tuju kat aku. nak amik barang, suruh aku. tutup kipas, aku tutup. makanan aku pun diorang sebat. sbb nya...aku xde almari. almari aku adalah almari general. maksudnya diorang sesuka hati boleh letak barang kat situ. junior pun ikut sama ye. cuma ada sorang je junior yg ok dgn aku.

tahun tu tahun paling perit dlm hidup aku. sbb kan masa tu jugak ada krisis dalam famili aku. awal tahun tu hari2 aku nangis dalam tido. dengan keje sekolah yg berlambak. suasana asrama yg sangat tah apa2 bagi aku. senior ibarat raja. kalau baik dgn warden, boleh je buat macam2. 

sampai la ada kes budak fly. masa tu form 5 semua balik rumah sbb nanti diorang nak exam ke apa tah. aku lupa. cuma ada sorang senior je yg ada konon untuk jaga junior la. tapi senior ni boleh plak ajak beberapa org junior ikut die fly. kecoh jugak la masa tu. warden sampai nak call polis. 

anyway, sejak lepas dari hari tu senior tu dah kurang kacau aku. dan bila aku jadi senior tahun selepas tu, aku dah x amalkan apa yg senior2 aku buat. kawan2 aku pun sama. aku gurau dengan junior macam member. aku x guna peraturan mengarut senior aku. 

jadi bila korang baca ni mesti korang fikir...eh tang mana buli nya?

ye, aku bukan di buli secara fizikal. tapi secara mental. dari dulu pun orang selalu panggil aku pelik sbb macam tomboy pastu muka keras. ada yg panggil aku robot. tapi dulu aku x amik kisah pun tapi bila kita jauh dari famili, pastu orang buat macam tu pulak... memang aku terasa sangat.

dan senior aku tu...aku xtau la apa jadi kat die. harap dia sihat la kot.

mesti ada satu lagi persoalan dalam fikiran korang..dari sini ke bermulanya depression aku?

entah. sbb masa kecik pun aku dah mula ada episod turun naik tu. cuma orang x perasan je. dan masa kecik, ko rasa xde masalah. semua ok je. dapat makan, dapat main, ok la tu. cuma kita dah dewasa, ada macam2 peristiwa terjadi dalam hidup sampai kan kita rasa ini macam cerita dalam drama je. x mungkin realiti tapi itulah yg terjadi.

aku pun masih dalam fasa pemulihan. belum baik sepenuhnya. sbb bila ko dah pernah alami episod kemurungan yg serius, nak pulih macam sediakala bukanlah mudah. perlu melalui sesi terapi yg banyak dan ambil masa yg agak lama. macam terapist aku pernah cakap, to reach our breaking point is hard, to heal from it is double hard.

untuk masa sekarang aku dah sampai tahap reda. biarlah Allah yg jaga aku. kita sebagai hamba hanya perlu berdoa kepada-Nya nescaya Dia akan kabulkan. Aminnn..

I'm scared

 Well hi everyone

Sorry for not updating. I'm busy with life as usual and... i'm on meds again.

Things just happens. Well i had been depressed for a long time. My depression... it has many faces. Sometimes it makes me do stuff out of the ordinary... Sometimes i don't wanna get out of bed. Sometimes i just lay still and do nothing or i do so much stuff that i can't sleep. So yeah that is my life.

I've been in and out of the hospital a couple of times. Just the usual 'me' time i guess. Hahaha 

So here's my newest update.

I'm pregnant and is nearly due. 

And i'm scared. I've never been this scared before through my other pregnancies. Because every pregnancy is different and.... this is different. My mood are all over the place. That.. adds to my depression... and why i need the meds. So that i can calm down a bit. 

Please pray for me...

Hope all goes well....

Aku bekas pesakit COVID-19

 Assalamualaikum....

Berat sebenarnya tajuk blog kali ni. Tapi di sebabkan aku rasa ramai yg macam tercari2 kot2 ada org yg ada pengalaman atau ada info pasal covid kan...jadi...

So far aku ada juga baca dan tengok video org share pasal pengalaman diorg bila berdepan dgn sakit covid. Apa yg utama bg aku ialah sentiasa fikir positif.

Ok biar aku cerita dari mula la ye.

Dekat post aku sebelum ni aku ada bgtau aku pegi cabut gigi kan? 2 ari selepas tu aku kena covid. 

Kronologi  :

31 ogos - aku pitam kat dapur

1 sep - badan mula rasa x sihat. Kepala pening. Aku buat swab test guna self-kit. Result positif tapi garisan agak kabur. Malam tu aku demam panas. Booking utk pcr test esok pagi

2 sep - buat pcr test. Masa ni dah demam panas, selesema, badan seram sejuk, kepala pening

3 sep - demam panas 38.5°c. selesema teruk. Hidung dah x bau apa2. Badan sakit2 macam kena cucuk. Xde selera makan dan minum. Malam x boleh tido. Aku pakai oximeter. Oksigen aku drop ke 92% . Masa ni aku dah takut giler. Tapi cuba positif. Oksigen aku naik 96%.

4 sep - simptom aku masih sama. Rasa x larat langsung nak bangun dari katil. Aku book appointment kat CAC (COVID-19 assesment centre) untuk pakai gelang kuarantin.

5 sep - demam dah kurang. Masih selesema dan batuk tapi tak teruk. Tunggu 3 jam utk jumpa doc dan pakai gelang. Aku di refer ke hospital sbb pesakit berisiko. 

Malam tu ambulans datang ambik kat rumah. Perasaan aku? Bercampur baur. Risau dgn diri sendiri, risaukan suami aku jugak. Sebab kami berdua je dekat rumah masa tu dan dia ada demam tinggi dah lebih 5 ari.

Dekat hospital aku masuk wad covid, kat sini memang semua pesakit ada faktor risiko, ada sakit darah tinggi, diabetes, mengandung, ibu baru lepas bersalin. Ada juga yg perlukan bantuan pernafasan tapi ini kira wad tidak kritikal. Cuma perlu pemantauan je.

6 sep - aku mulakan rutin baru dalam wad. Doc cek semua ok cuma aku berjalan terbongkok2 dan cepat penat. 

Petang tu aku pitam depan toilet. Dan aku pun kena iv drip. Bila doc cek, darah merah aku kurang. Jadi doc tambah lagi ubat aku.

Kalau ikutkan aku covid stage 2. Ye memang x serius tapi sebabkan faktor risiko aku kena la terima.

Hari2 doc cucuk ubat cair darah. COVID-19 ni jahatnya dia akan bekukan darah dlm badan. Itu je penyebab kenapa aku jln terbongkok2.

7 sep -Doc masukkan 2 botol air dlm badan sbb aku dehydrated sgt. Setel je terus boleh cabut drip. Syukur..mudah aku nak ke bilik air dan solat lepas tu. semua pesakit kat situ di wajibkan jaga penjarakan dan pakai mask. tapi kadang2 rasa lemas jugak. jadi kami jaga selagi boleh la. masing2 buat aktivi dekat katil masing2 je. makan situ, solat pun situ jugak.

8 sep - Aku dah rasa makin sihat. jalan pun dah tak bongkok. Doc bagitau esok aku dah boleh balik. Cuma perlu sambung makan ubat di rumah dan pantau kesihatan sendiri. Tapi malam tu juga suami aku dijemput ambulans ke pusat kuarantin. 

9 sep - aku klua hospital, adik ipar aku hantar balik rumah dibekalkan dengan ubat tambah darah dan antibiotik. adik ipar aku dan penah kena COVID tapi x teruk.

aku sampai rumah dgn keadaan lesu, sedih dan macam2 lagi la perasaan. dan aku depressed...

tempoh kuarantin aku adalah 15 hari. tapi hospital kira 10 hari sebab kebetulan masa aku checkin tu syarat kuarantin masih belum berubah. cuma aku perlu sambung kuarantin kat rumah jela. pesakit2 yg masuk selepas aku wajib habiskan kuarantin diorang dekat hospital. itu pun kalau kesihatan diorang makin baik. ada pesakit dah sebulan pun masih x dapat balik sbb kuman Covid dalam badan masih aktif.

13 sep - suami aku baru dapat klua pusat kuarantin. alhamdulillah...

Amaran!! trigger warning!! (tolong jangan sambung baca jika anda mudah triggered)

(Ini adalah pengalaman aku. tak semua orang alami perkara yg sama, simptom yg sama. tambah lagi aku ada depression. jadi mohon paham ye.)

seminggu selepas tu aku di suruh masuk ofis. badan aku masih tak sihat sepenuhnya. rasa cepat penat tapi dipaksa bekerja.

ye aku bersyukur masih ada pekerjaan tapi majikan perlu paham keadaan bekas pesakit COVID macam mana. walaupun dah habis kuarantin tak semestinya badan dah kembali pulih. sepatutnya aku bekerja saja dari rumah, tapi salah aku jugak sbb tak terus pegi hospital. patut blh tambah mc.

2 minggu lepas tu baru aku pergi hospital. masa ni mental aku koyak teruk. aku dah x larat sangat. Doc sarankan aku checkin balik. sbb aku ada simptom post-covid. dan depression aku dah tahap serius. aku tolak. aku cuba kuat. 

ambil masa sebulan jugak untuk aku sihat macam biasa. aku dah vaksin 1 dos masa kena covid. blm sempat 2nd dos pun. kebanyakan yg aku jumpa masa kat hospital, yg teruk kebanyakannya x sempat vaksin. nasib masing2...yg kita boleh buat, ikhtiar dan usaha je.

alhamdulillah sekarang aku dah fully vaccinated, makin sihat dan bekerja macam biasa. 

Moga kita semua di lindungi dari virus Covid-19. Aminnn...

Pengalaman menjadi bisu

 Hai korangsss....

Lama x bebel kat sini kan. Sbb aku pun macam xde apa nak update kat korang. Sampailah terjadinya kisah semalam...

Alkisahnya semalam aku pegi cabut gigi geraham. Dah lama berlubang. Asal aku tampal je tampalan tu tercabut balik. Jadi mari la kita cabut terus. So aku booking appointment dan terus cabut gigi. Lepas cabut tu memang mulut xde rasa apa. rasa kebas je. Memang confirm la aku x boleh nak bercakap.

Tapi aku x terus balik rumah sbb dah orang sakit malas la nak masak kan. Jadi aku terus gi cari makan.

Mula2 aku g family mart sbb dekat dgn klinik. So masa beli tu memang aku x bercakap. Aku just tunjuk2 dan terus bayar je. Bagi aku benda ni biasa je kan. Dan so far pekerja situ memang layan aku baik je.

Tetapi...lepas beli tu aku x terus balik rumah sbb teringin nak makan Mcd baru. Masa on the way tu aku ada terfikir macam mana aku nak order. Nak terus masuk beratur @ drive tru je. Jadi aku siap2 taip apa yg aku nak order. 

Sampai je kt booth drive tru..

Cashier : ye nak order apa?

Aku : tunjuk fon 

Cashier : *****, aku amik order akak ni jap ye. (Cakap dgn kawan die.)

Kawan cashier : (cakap something tapi aku x dengar budak tu cakap apa sbb diorg pakai ear piece kan)

Cashier : akak ni bisu. Aku amik order die kejap (masih lagi cakap dgn kawan die)

Cashier : er kak, bubur xde xpe ke?

Aku : (tunjuk tanda ok pakai tangan)

Lepas tu budak tu bacakan balik order aku n aku bayar je cam biasa. Habis amik order, aku boleh x perasan yg aiskrim aku xde. Masa tu aku dah gerak klua dari Mcd jadinya...ye aku patah balik dan jumpa budak yg amik order aku tadi, bulatkn order yg aku x dpt pada resit n tunjuk pada die. 

Nasib baik la aku tau bahasa insyarat sikit2. Jadi aku tunjuk la aku minta maaf sangat2 dan terima kasih pada budak tu.

Oh lagi satu, budak yg bg order aku pun tahu isyarat terima kasih. Hahaha 

Anyway, apa yg aku nak sampaikn ialah orang Malaysia memang baik2 belaka. Patut la ada org asing yg terpikat n kawin dgn org Malaysia. Eh itu dah masuk topik lain plak.

So itu je pengalaman aku. Dh macam buat sosial eksperimen plak kan. Hehehe 

Selamat Hari Kemerdekaan Malaysia!!!

Tahun baru azam baru

 Hai korangsss...

dah masuk Mac baru ada mood nak menaip blog aku yg dah bersawang ni kan...hahahaha

aku bukan apa, sebab sekarang ni aku bz sangat2 dengan bos baru, lepas perancangan baru, azam baru, orang rumah baru..eh?

anyway, azam aku tahun ni untuk memulakan hidup baru tanpa toleh ke belakang lagi. kita kena maju ke depan. kisah lampau semua jangan di kenang lagi. simpan sebagai satu pengajaran dalam hidup. 

aku pun sekarang dah bertambah sihat. nasib baik badan x naik 'sihat'. hahaha xde la. sekarang appointment aku pun dah jadi makin jarang. 3 bulan sekali saja banding kan masa dulu setiap bulan kena pegi hospital, checkup. doktor pun cakap aku dah semakin boleh kawal penyakit aku ni. dah x payah makan ubat. cuma macam biasa la, kena jaga diri. makan kena teratur, tidur cukup 8 jam, minum air masak. yg biasa2 la.

itu jela aku nak update kat korang. macam xde apa sangat la nak borak. habis tu dah pkp kan. hobi mendaki aku tu pun dah kena tunda. sampai dah naik tepu dah ni hujung minggu asik duduk rumah je. kalau keluar pun setakat beli barang lepas tu balik rumah.

eh nah la video terkini aku.

 

xde apa sangat. edit pun main hentam je. hahahaha

masa ni baru pertama kali cuba mendaki. tu yang tercungap2 tu.

Bersantai di tepian pantai

Salam semua...

Minggu lepas rumah aku telah di serang oleh famili aku.

cerita nya macam ni. adik aku, Ai yang dah lama x balik sejak pkp nak balik jenguk mak ayah aku kat kampung. dah alang2 die datang johor tu, die nak la singgah rumah aku. dan tetiba diorang semua pakat2 buat rombongan nak datang dan tido rumah aku.

dan kebetulan jugak masa tu kakak aku memang dah ada kat rumah aku. pun nak tido rumah aku. jadi macam mana tu ye? 😅

memang macam raya la. riuh rumah aku. itu belum lagi drama masa nak tido. macam2 la budak2 ni. ye anak2 aku dan sepupu2 nya la. xkan aku lak yg berdrama. 😆

anyway, esok pagi nya x pasal2 kitorg ke pantai la plak. pantai paling dekat desaru tapi mak aku xnak. jadi mari la kita ke Tanjung Sedili.

masa ni panas macam hape tah. yela sampai sana dah kol 10 pagi.
tapi budak2 ni elok je. aku sampai ke ari ni kaki aku masih sunburn... :(

habis je mandi, mak dan adik2 aku pun balik.
aku pulak sambung misi cari makan dengan kakak aku.

kitorg makan kat jeti Sedili.
saje jela ikut signboard tepi jalan. jauh sampai ke dalam tempat nya.





tapi puas hati jugak la dapat makan seafood.

Nia suka sangat. siap pesan mintak datang lagi nanti.

ok sayang. bila ada masa kita pegi lagi ye.

Normal yang baru

Salam semua

Aku rasa korang semua pun dah rasa bosan dan tepu duduk rumah kan. aku pun. sampai dah naik muak masuk dapur. nasib baik aku masak sedap cuma penat la hari2 kena masak. nak jugak rasa masakan orang lain. hehehe 😁

Anyway, aku n anak2 sihat. ada la beberapa perkara yang jadi masa mula2 pkp tu. kan masa sebelum tarikh isytihar pkp tu cuti sekolah. so aku kena la balik kampung amik anak2 aku. diorang memang dah ada kat sana masa stat cuti sekolah. perasaan masa drive tu memang rasa eerie la. macam zombie town pun ada. jalan raya sunyi. yg ada pun lori2 bawak barang je.

bila sampai rumah....ada orang dah keje kan rumah aku.

memang rasa sedih

paling sedih bila duit anak aku yang kena kebas...

tapi hidup kena di teruskan

takkan la nak hidup dalam ketakutan kan. lagipun anak aku ada so kena la cuba jadi kuat depan diorang walaupun dalam hati tuhan je yg tahu perasaan aku masa tu.

alhamdulillah komuniti kejiranan kat kawasan rumah aku sangat baik. ada je yg bagi sumbangan. orang2 pejabat aku pun sama.

paling terharu bila ada yang text aku secara peribadi bertanya kabar.
terima kasih aku ucapkan. jasa korang kat aku buat aku rasa bersyukur sangat2.

tapi aku masih rasa yg aku sebenarnya lebih bernasib baik dari orang2 lain yg mungkin sekarang ni xde keje. jadi apa yg org sumbangkn kat aku tu, aku bagi balik pada yg lebih memerlukan. bukan aku nak riak cuma aku sedar diri.

dan korang pun patut rasa macam tu. kalau xde rezeki banyak, sedekah kat website2 yg menolong orang fakir miskin pun dah kira ok. hatta rm1 pun bernilai untuk diorang.

yang aku perasan, bila kita semua jatuh, masa tu la kita dapat nampak siapa kawan dan siapa lawan.

masa tu jugak la keluar berita yang x elok pasal sesetengah orang ni

aku xnak komen apa2

cuma terfikir la

macam yang aku penah cakap sebelum ni
konsep bersyukur

kadang ada orang dapat makan nasi sehari pun dah cukup

ada yang setakat makan2 apa2 pun ok asalkan makanan walaupun sebiji kurma

ada yg kalau x dapat makan ayam x kira makan nama nya

terserah pada korang la

nilaikan sendiri

pada aku, orang2 yg kat sekeliling aku ni betul2 orang yg aku rasa betul2 manusia

oh lagi satu

kadang2 kita xtau org yg macam mana kita patut percaya sampai la bila kita jatuh susah
sejak dulu aku x pernah pandang harta, bangsa atau keturunan
bagi aku semua sama je
yang penting sekarang ni nilai kemanusiaan
macam dah makin berkurangan sekarang

Bangkit

aku perasan blog aku dah mula jadi blog suram. heh..

firstly aku nak minta maaf sebab dah lama x blogging. bukan aku xnak cuma aku x rasa nak menulis. terlalu banyak perkara yang berlaku sampaikan aku dah x tahu garis waktu.

ye, aku amnesia. aku mula lupa banyak perkara.

efek dari makan ubat. senang cakap aku memang x serasi dengan ubat. mula2 semuanya ok tapi lepas tu jadi la macam2 benda yg x patut jadi. nasib baik aku masih ingat jalan balik rumah. hahaha

anyway, aku nak cuba jalan alternatif pulak. mana tahu menjadi kan?

oh nak ucap Selamat Tahun Baru 2020!!

tak nampak pulak kereta terbang ye???

hahaha gurau2. jangan mare

azam aku tahun ni?

hmm...macam xde azam je. cuma aku dah mula buat bucketlst.

sebab aku rasa macam banyak benda yg aku masih belum capai dalam hidup ni. jadi aku nak cuba buat perkara2 yg selama ni aku cakap nak buat tapi x buat disebabkan faktor2 yg aku rasa x patut jadi faktor pun. hahaha korang paham x?

xpela yg penting aku paham.

mulanya orang pertikaikan nape aku buat semua ni. kenapa sekarang?
soalan aku. kalau bukan sekarang bila lagi?
aku xnak bila aku dah tua baru aku menyesal sbb x cuba.

~~biar gagal mencuba dari mati kecewa
lirik lagu Oh Chentaku


bila aku sekarang ni asik layan lagu indie, ada org tanya sejak bila aku layan lagu macam ni?
jawapan aku : sejak dulu
tapi aku stop sbb konon nya dah jadi mak2 ni kena la perangai senonoh sikit.
kemudian bila aku fikir balik, kenapa kita nak ubah diri kita konon nya sbb dah dewasa. dah ada anak. dah ada famili?

mungkin cara pakaian dan pemikiran boleh la kita ubah. jadi matang sikit. tapi aku rasa kita patut simpan sikit jiwa kita yg dulu tu. orang cakap biar umur meningkat tapi jiwa kekal muda. untuk kekal positif dengan kehidupan. walaupun sepahit mana pun.

patut la orang ingatkan aku student lagi. hahaha

nak jugak up diri sendiri kan.

Kepuasan

Apa itu kepuasan?

Kejayaan?

Aku pun xtau.

Dalam aku cuba untuk mencari dan memperbaiki diri, aku perasan satu perkara. Yang setiap rezeki orang tak sama.

ada orang rezeki dia dapat sambung belajar sampai luar negara. Dapat Phd. Dapat kerja yang bagus. tapi di takdirkan belum berkahwin. dan orang itu masih gembira. sebab dia dah dapat apa yang dia cita2 kan selama ni. jodoh nanti pun boleh cari. yang penting dia puas.

ada orang kerja biasa je. kerani di syarikat. hari2 makan nasi dengan kicap sebab nak kumpul duit beli rumah. Ada keluarga bahagia dengan isteri dan anak2. Tapi dia bahagia. Sijil, ijazah semua tu x penting. sebab dia masih rasa puas. Setiap hari dapat bekerja dan beri makan kepada anak2 adalah kepuasan bagi dia.

Ada orang kaya raya. rumah besar, orang gaji ramai. Setiap bulan mesti keluar negara. Tapi dia masih rasa x puas. Bagi dia kejayaan dan kepuasan adalah bila semua orang kenal dia. Produk die terjual di merata tempat. baik di dalam dan luar negara. hari2 dia bekerja keras. tapi masih tak cukup.

bagi aku??

aku pun tak pasti.

Kadang aku cuba nak kejar cita-cita aku. tapi apa dia? Ada orang pernah cakap kat aku, yang aku patut bangga yg aku dah ada semua. Kerja, famili, harta. Walaupun x besar atau banyak mana tapi hidup aku boleh dikatakan selesa. Tapi adakah aku bahagia?

Itu yang aku perlu cari.

Kadang aku rasa perjalanan aku masih jauh. masih banyak yg aku belum tempuh. masih banyak yg aku belum teroka.

mungkin takdir aku belum sampai lagi. mungkin aku perlu tempuh kesusahan sebelum kesenangan akan datang.

mungkin...

ada orang cakap dengan aku jangan di nanti pada yg x pasti. cuba hidup dengan sehari hari. cuba mendalami dan menikmati hidup setiap hari.

hari ini.

bukan esok.

bukan masa lalu.




tapi hari ini.

Hai

lama x tulis dalam blog sampai tak tahu nak tulis apa.

aku?

aku ok je ni.

dalam proses nak kenali diri.

eh?

hahahaha

and now i don't want to care anymore.
tak guna pun fikir apa yang orang fikir tentang kita.

so sekarang aku nak hidup je macam biasa.
dalam masa sama cuba belajar dari kesilapan.

each day is a new day that we learn something.

doakan aku dapat capai cita-cita aku.
Aminnn....

The real me

it's funny how people thinks they know me just by reading my blog. you see, i wrote what i want. what i wanted to portray. it's not 100% the real truth.

i really wanted to think that i'm happy. that i used to be that kind of person. so joyful, so full of life. the longer you lived, the wiser you get. but then all the nasty things just seems to appear everywhere.
it hurts me in so many ways.

i know my kind of thinking is kinda distorted. and i finally got the answer why i am the way i am.

funny when you keep digging your past to know who you really are but when you knew it, you can't accept it.

you feel like you're given a death penalty. but you're not dying. you're living your life that you didn't even know whether you want it or not. is this the life i want?

am i what's written on THAT paper?

that can't be it. i'm not like that.

really??

i know i am more than that. i am not my sickness.


hmm....


i don't know the difference anymore.

Takdir

Sori la sebab aku dah lama x update blog ni. rasanya semua sosial media pun aku dah x update. sebolehnya aku nak elakkan dari dunia maya. dan dunia realiti....heh

beberapa bulan ni aku banyak amik masa untuk bina diri aku balik. secara mental dan fizikal. walaupun kadang-kadang tergelincir jugak. heh..

dalam sesi kaunseling (setiap bulan x pernah miss) yang lepas aku ada tanya pasal nasib dan takdir.
kenapa aku di takdirkan macam ni?
kenapa aku x macam orang normal lain?
kenapa dan kenapa dan kenapa

ok korang patut tahu yang aku x berani pun nak mengaku aku sakit. yes, i am still in recovery. tapi aku rasa dah tiba masa kot kita kena buang stigma tentang penyakit mental. and please, x payah nak nasihat benda yang korang x tahu.

anyway, bak kata doktor aku la kan. setiap manusia ni ada had die masing2. kadang2 ko marah, sedih dan apa semua tu memang normal. tapi kes aku lain. sebab aku dari dulu dah ada mindset yg buruk2 je tentang diri sendiri. then bila you are put in a very difficult situation. you would break. kirakan gelas aku memang dah hampir penuh. bila kau tambah air sikit je terus air melimpah. camtu la ayat die. hahaha....

kadang2 aku pun pelik dengan diri aku sendiri. kenapa nak kena negatif je. haishhh aku pun x boleh nak jawab soalan tu. kalau la hidup aku semudah tu. bila x ok je, terus tekan reset button. mesti happy je sentiasa.

dan aku bersyukur sebab aku x pursue kerja ikut apa yg aku belaja kat kolej dulu. mau agak nya aku kena meltdown setiap hari. dengarkan cerita kawan aku yg genius dan keje bahagian itu pun aku dah rasa stress. hehehe syukur...syukur...

aku patut banyak bersyukur kot kan.

sebab dalam keadaan aku yg fragile ni pun aku masih boleh kerja, masih ada anak2, masih ada famili, masih ada kawan2.

kena banyak solat taubat ni. heh

ok ni aku cakap kat diri sendiri tau. korang jangan plak bagi nasihat macam ni kat org yg tgh depressed. mmg xkan di layan. aku tau la. sbb masa ko tgh low, mmg ko susah nak keluar dari keadaan tu. just be there for them. mana tau diorg nak dengar cakap korang. heh

kalau la kan...

anyway, doakan aku sentiasa hepi macam ni okay.
harap2 keadaan ni akan berpanjangan. Aminnn....

Hey guys

i have been meaning to close this blog forever but then i change my mind. this blog means a lot to me. from this blog i see myself change. maybe there are things that i want to change. or some memories that i want to erase. but there's also good and fun memories. some of them i didn't even remember.

i love you guys for joining my journey to self discovery. from the good, the bad and the fun times. i promise i'll update more.

maybe some day i'll tell you guys about what happen. but for now, i'm still recovering.

pray for me, okay. ;P

Semi colon

i'm thinking of closing this blog or stop updating. i'm not sure. i just think that i need to distance myself from the social media for a little bit.

i don't know if it's just me or my depression talking but i just can't stand to look at my blog anymore. it hurts to see your former self had really change to the one you are now becoming.

i'm sorry.

i just can't do this anymore.

I feel okay

Hey guys,

so i have been meaning to write but i just can't. so typical of me right.

anyway, if you're asking how i'm doing now? all i can say is i'm in a better place than the last entry. that i can wake up and not stay in bed. that i can smell the freshly cut grass on my way to the office. that i can make a conversation with my colleague without having to go to the bathroom to cry. yes, i have pass all that but i still have a long way to go.

how did i get here?

i had to take some time of work. not because i wanted but i have to. i just can't function anymore. so I went away for a while. i try to find myself that had long lost itself. i try to find the meaning of my life. so i did. well maybe not fully but i'm getting there and also i'm on meds.

well i did say i don't want to. i'm not against medication. it's just i want to know if i can get better without it. turns out my depression was so overwhelming that i thought to myself 'why not try it. maybe i can get better. and when i feel so much better, i can try to wean myself'.

and so that's how i was put on meds. to tell you the truth, it really didn't help much. but i don't feel so low anymore. just stable, i guess.

i just started work today. i think some of my officemate knew what happen. they act as if nothing happen which is good. but then one of my officemate came to me and ask how am i doing. am i okay? and he also jokingly said that he's afraid that i would stab him when i'm depressed. which is weird. people just seem to think people with mental illness likes to kill people. hahaha oh i laugh at him. 

the thing is, some of it maybe true. but to the people who seek help, they can get better. it just takes time. and in my case i would definitely know when i reach my limit. and i usually don't lash out at random people. it's just silly.

anyway, i think i would be okay. my officemate was kind enough to ask how i am. maybe it doesn't look like it but i know he means well. i was so anxious going to the office but then it came naturally. i don't feel scared anymore.

depression is a mental illness. it's the same as when you have a migraine or a stomachache. it really does hurt. but unlike physical illness, you just can't see how bad it is. you can't escape it. when you hurt your foot you can still do other things like reading or play video games. but when your mind is hurting, it consumes you. there's nothing you can do except be patient and wait till the darkness go away. but it would get better. i promise.

Beyond myself

Hey guys,

so i've been meaning to write just to clear things up. But i just don't have the motivation to do just about anything. even my work. it was a constant battle with myself. sometimes i just want to curl in bed and do nothing. for now i'm okay. a little above the water.

anyway, if any of u who feel that i had upset u in any way, i'm sorry. things just don't go as i wanted anymore.

so just to sum it up, i had always have a low self esteem. yes, i may not seem like it but i do feel every single negative comment that was said to me. and it hurts so bad. i try to brush it away, tuck it under my bed but it finally crept itself out. i was also bullied in high school. sigh

i always wanted to seem cheerful or at least happy. that's what the social media is about right. they only show the good side of people when actually we are struggling.

i hope the days after this is going to be better. i'm following the doctor's order. to find the positive outlook of everything. well that is tough. but we need to try anyway. life doesn't always follow what we want. so we might as well make do of what we had.

wish me luck.

Explaining depression

Explaining my depression to my mother: A conversation 

Mom, my depression is a shapeshifter 
One day it's as small as a firefly in the palm of a bear 
The next it's the bear 
On those days I play dead until the bear leaves me alone 
I call the bad days "the Dark Days" 
Mom says, "try lighting candles" 
But when I see a candle, I see the flesh of a church 
The flicker of a flame 
Sparks of a memory younger than noon 
I am standing beside her open casket 
It is the moment I learn every person I ever come to know will someday die 
Besides Mom, I'm not afraid of the dark, perhaps that's part of the problem 
Mom says, "I thought the problem was that you can't get out of bed" 
I can't, anxiety holds me a hostage inside of my house, inside of my head 

Mom says, "Where did anxiety come from?" 
Anxiety is the cousin visiting from out of town that depression felt obligated to bring to the party Mom, I am the party, only I am a party I don't want to be at 
Mom says, "Why don't you try going to actual parties, see your friends" 
Sure I make plans, I make plans but I don't want to go 
I make plans because I know I should want to go; I know sometimes I would have wanted to go 
It's just not that much fun having fun when you don't want to have fun, Mom 
You see, Mom, each night Insomnia sweeps me up in his arms, dips me in the kitchen in the small glow of the stove-light 
Insomnia has this romantic way of making the moon feel like perfect company 
Mom says, "Try counting sheep" 
But my mind can only count reasons to stay awake 
So I go for walks, but my stuttering kneecaps clank like silver spoons held in strong arms with loose wrists 
They ring in my ears like clumsy church bells, reminding me I am sleepwalking on an ocean of happiness that I cannot baptize myself in 

Mom says, "Happy is a decision" 
But my happy is as hollow as a pin pricked egg 
My happy is a high fever that will break 
Mom says I am so good at making something out of nothing and then flat out asks me if I am afraid of dying 
No, I am afraid of living 
Mom, I am lonely 
I think I learned that when Dad left how to turn the anger into lonely the lonely into busy 
So when I say I've been super busy lately 
I mean I've been falling asleep watching Sports Center on the couch 
To avoid confronting the empty side of my bed 
But my depression always drags me back to my bed 
Until my bones are the forgotten fossils of a skeleton sunken city 
My mouth a boneyard of teeth broken from biting down on themselves 
The hollow auditorium of my chest swoons with echoes of a heartbeat 
But I am a careless tourist here 
I will never truly know everywhere I have been 

Mom still doesn't understand 
Mom, can't you see 
That neither can I

 - Sabrina Benaim -






 

Recharge

Hye guys!

i got a lot going on that i don't know where to start. so i am now healthy again. i've been sick for the past week and it was horrible. i got the much dreaded flu. pfhttt.... i have never been so sick. at one point, my temp had reach 39 degress. yup that bad. my throat was red and hoarse that i pretty much didn't ate. and it made me even more weak.  so i needed to have an iv drip because i was dehydrated.


so yeah. that was my weekend.

i just got back to work today and there was a work pile stacked on my desk. hahahaha anyway, i feel recharged now. hopefully i keep being healthy. Aminn...

i also had to do follow up at the hospital because apparently i have depression. well... this is a long story. but to sum it up i have a really bad experience growing up and it kinda relapse. it happen a long time a go and i didn't think much of it because i always manage to somehow control it. but i think i already reach my limit. hence here i am.

but don't worry.
i'm okay now.
i think.
well i want to think that i'm okay.
for now.
just pray for me okay. hopefully i won't have to be on meds which i hate so much. because when you're in treatment, they tell you to let go of your fears. but sometimes the demons just comes back. and i pray that it wouldn't eat me up.

oh god, this entry was supposed to be a happy entry rite?

so sorry about that.

don't think to much about this okay.
i'm so much better now.

just know that in every darkness, there will be light.
and you can see sunshine again.

Not in the mood

hi guys!

well, i'm not in the mood to do my work, and also everything else. i just don't feel like it. weekend was okay. i went to an open house yesterday (syawal had past but if it's about eating, i'm okay with it.) but nothing much happen. well last week i went to my awards ceremony and then my office's awards dinner and ermmm....then the usual house work.

actually, something had been bugging me for over a week now. and i'm still contemplating whether i should go or just let the thing cool off by itself? hmm... it just that i'm worried if it's going to eat me on the inside.

what should i do?

Happy mother's day

Hi guys. Do u enjoy the holidays? I sure did. We didn't do much. Just the usual and i get to sleep in till 9am. That is an achievement. Hahaha

Anyway, yesterday Nia handed me my old phone which had been broken by the way, she said the phone had suddenly lit up. It had previously been soaked in the rain(we fill up the day by playing in the rain..yay). Anyway i said ok and i let it dry. Didn't think much of it coz the phone screen is always on and off by itself. So usually i turned the phone off.

Later after that i turn on the phone and it stays on. I found a lot of pictures that i didn't get to transfer to my pc. There's a couple of pictures that had been shared by my sister. It was the time when we hit rock bottom. I never told this to u guys because the thing that happen was very emotional and we don't know what the outcome is.




It was on 2016.






My mom got sick.

It started with the usual fever and cough.

One week...then two weeks...then she get better but a week later she fell sick again. She felt a lump on her neck which really scares us but we didn't say that to her. Becoz we really don't want to scare her as we also don't know what it is.

In that time, we had sent her to the clinic then to the hospital. They couldn't figure out what's wrong with my mum.

Then it proceeded to checkups, scans, monogram. They give assumptions which is not very clear. And the word 'C' appears.

When my elder sister texted me her conversations with my mum, I cried. My sister, being the eldest, my mum will always tells her first. And she tries her hardest to console my mum when actually she's also heart broken. I know because we cried together (we discussed a lot as we're the nearest to my mum).

It was a very tough time for my family. I don't even want to meet people. Because it is hard to talk when ur mind is somewhere else.



That was 2 years ago. My mum had her last checkup last year. She feels so much better now. The lump is still there and it turns out to be benign. so it doesn't effect my mum's health whatsoever.

But looking at the picture, it does make me realise that my mum won't always be there by my side. There will come a day when she isn't gonna be there anymore. And when the time comes....i don't even how i'm gonna cope with that.


I love u mum
You're the pillar of my strengh
The one person that i can turn to
Thank you mom for taking care of me when i'm little
Taking care of my children when i needed
Helped me when i'm weak
I can't thank u enough

Happy mother's day mum!!!