I'm scared

 Well hi everyone

Sorry for not updating. I'm busy with life as usual and... i'm on meds again.

Things just happens. Well i had been depressed for a long time. My depression... it has many faces. Sometimes it makes me do stuff out of the ordinary... Sometimes i don't wanna get out of bed. Sometimes i just lay still and do nothing or i do so much stuff that i can't sleep. So yeah that is my life.

I've been in and out of the hospital a couple of times. Just the usual 'me' time i guess. Hahaha 

So here's my newest update.

I'm pregnant and is nearly due. 

And i'm scared. I've never been this scared before through my other pregnancies. Because every pregnancy is different and.... this is different. My mood are all over the place. That.. adds to my depression... and why i need the meds. So that i can calm down a bit. 

Please pray for me...

Hope all goes well....

Aku bekas pesakit COVID-19

 Assalamualaikum....

Berat sebenarnya tajuk blog kali ni. Tapi di sebabkan aku rasa ramai yg macam tercari2 kot2 ada org yg ada pengalaman atau ada info pasal covid kan...jadi...

So far aku ada juga baca dan tengok video org share pasal pengalaman diorg bila berdepan dgn sakit covid. Apa yg utama bg aku ialah sentiasa fikir positif.

Ok biar aku cerita dari mula la ye.

Dekat post aku sebelum ni aku ada bgtau aku pegi cabut gigi kan? 2 ari selepas tu aku kena covid. 

Kronologi  :

31 ogos - aku pitam kat dapur

1 sep - badan mula rasa x sihat. Kepala pening. Aku buat swab test guna self-kit. Result positif tapi garisan agak kabur. Malam tu aku demam panas. Booking utk pcr test esok pagi

2 sep - buat pcr test. Masa ni dah demam panas, selesema, badan seram sejuk, kepala pening

3 sep - demam panas 38.5°c. selesema teruk. Hidung dah x bau apa2. Badan sakit2 macam kena cucuk. Xde selera makan dan minum. Malam x boleh tido. Aku pakai oximeter. Oksigen aku drop ke 92% . Masa ni aku dah takut giler. Tapi cuba positif. Oksigen aku naik 96%.

4 sep - simptom aku masih sama. Rasa x larat langsung nak bangun dari katil. Aku book appointment kat CAC (COVID-19 assesment centre) untuk pakai gelang kuarantin.

5 sep - demam dah kurang. Masih selesema dan batuk tapi tak teruk. Tunggu 3 jam utk jumpa doc dan pakai gelang. Aku di refer ke hospital sbb pesakit berisiko. 

Malam tu ambulans datang ambik kat rumah. Perasaan aku? Bercampur baur. Risau dgn diri sendiri, risaukan suami aku jugak. Sebab kami berdua je dekat rumah masa tu dan dia ada demam tinggi dah lebih 5 ari.

Dekat hospital aku masuk wad covid, kat sini memang semua pesakit ada faktor risiko, ada sakit darah tinggi, diabetes, mengandung, ibu baru lepas bersalin. Ada juga yg perlukan bantuan pernafasan tapi ini kira wad tidak kritikal. Cuma perlu pemantauan je.

6 sep - aku mulakan rutin baru dalam wad. Doc cek semua ok cuma aku berjalan terbongkok2 dan cepat penat. 

Petang tu aku pitam depan toilet. Dan aku pun kena iv drip. Bila doc cek, darah merah aku kurang. Jadi doc tambah lagi ubat aku.

Kalau ikutkan aku covid stage 2. Ye memang x serius tapi sebabkan faktor risiko aku kena la terima.

Hari2 doc cucuk ubat cair darah. COVID-19 ni jahatnya dia akan bekukan darah dlm badan. Itu je penyebab kenapa aku jln terbongkok2.

7 sep -Doc masukkan 2 botol air dlm badan sbb aku dehydrated sgt. Setel je terus boleh cabut drip. Syukur..mudah aku nak ke bilik air dan solat lepas tu. semua pesakit kat situ di wajibkan jaga penjarakan dan pakai mask. tapi kadang2 rasa lemas jugak. jadi kami jaga selagi boleh la. masing2 buat aktivi dekat katil masing2 je. makan situ, solat pun situ jugak.

8 sep - Aku dah rasa makin sihat. jalan pun dah tak bongkok. Doc bagitau esok aku dah boleh balik. Cuma perlu sambung makan ubat di rumah dan pantau kesihatan sendiri. Tapi malam tu juga suami aku dijemput ambulans ke pusat kuarantin. 

9 sep - aku klua hospital, adik ipar aku hantar balik rumah dibekalkan dengan ubat tambah darah dan antibiotik. adik ipar aku dan penah kena COVID tapi x teruk.

aku sampai rumah dgn keadaan lesu, sedih dan macam2 lagi la perasaan. dan aku depressed...

tempoh kuarantin aku adalah 15 hari. tapi hospital kira 10 hari sebab kebetulan masa aku checkin tu syarat kuarantin masih belum berubah. cuma aku perlu sambung kuarantin kat rumah jela. pesakit2 yg masuk selepas aku wajib habiskan kuarantin diorang dekat hospital. itu pun kalau kesihatan diorang makin baik. ada pesakit dah sebulan pun masih x dapat balik sbb kuman Covid dalam badan masih aktif.

13 sep - suami aku baru dapat klua pusat kuarantin. alhamdulillah...

Amaran!! trigger warning!! (tolong jangan sambung baca jika anda mudah triggered)

(Ini adalah pengalaman aku. tak semua orang alami perkara yg sama, simptom yg sama. tambah lagi aku ada depression. jadi mohon paham ye.)

seminggu selepas tu aku di suruh masuk ofis. badan aku masih tak sihat sepenuhnya. rasa cepat penat tapi dipaksa bekerja.

ye aku bersyukur masih ada pekerjaan tapi majikan perlu paham keadaan bekas pesakit COVID macam mana. walaupun dah habis kuarantin tak semestinya badan dah kembali pulih. sepatutnya aku bekerja saja dari rumah, tapi salah aku jugak sbb tak terus pegi hospital. patut blh tambah mc.

2 minggu lepas tu baru aku pergi hospital. masa ni mental aku koyak teruk. aku dah x larat sangat. Doc sarankan aku checkin balik. sbb aku ada simptom post-covid. dan depression aku dah tahap serius. aku tolak. aku cuba kuat. 

ambil masa sebulan jugak untuk aku sihat macam biasa. aku dah vaksin 1 dos masa kena covid. blm sempat 2nd dos pun. kebanyakan yg aku jumpa masa kat hospital, yg teruk kebanyakannya x sempat vaksin. nasib masing2...yg kita boleh buat, ikhtiar dan usaha je.

alhamdulillah sekarang aku dah fully vaccinated, makin sihat dan bekerja macam biasa. 

Moga kita semua di lindungi dari virus Covid-19. Aminnn...

The real me

it's funny how people thinks they know me just by reading my blog. you see, i wrote what i want. what i wanted to portray. it's not 100% the real truth.

i really wanted to think that i'm happy. that i used to be that kind of person. so joyful, so full of life. the longer you lived, the wiser you get. but then all the nasty things just seems to appear everywhere.
it hurts me in so many ways.

i know my kind of thinking is kinda distorted. and i finally got the answer why i am the way i am.

funny when you keep digging your past to know who you really are but when you knew it, you can't accept it.

you feel like you're given a death penalty. but you're not dying. you're living your life that you didn't even know whether you want it or not. is this the life i want?

am i what's written on THAT paper?

that can't be it. i'm not like that.

really??

i know i am more than that. i am not my sickness.


hmm....


i don't know the difference anymore.

Takdir

Sori la sebab aku dah lama x update blog ni. rasanya semua sosial media pun aku dah x update. sebolehnya aku nak elakkan dari dunia maya. dan dunia realiti....heh

beberapa bulan ni aku banyak amik masa untuk bina diri aku balik. secara mental dan fizikal. walaupun kadang-kadang tergelincir jugak. heh..

dalam sesi kaunseling (setiap bulan x pernah miss) yang lepas aku ada tanya pasal nasib dan takdir.
kenapa aku di takdirkan macam ni?
kenapa aku x macam orang normal lain?
kenapa dan kenapa dan kenapa

ok korang patut tahu yang aku x berani pun nak mengaku aku sakit. yes, i am still in recovery. tapi aku rasa dah tiba masa kot kita kena buang stigma tentang penyakit mental. and please, x payah nak nasihat benda yang korang x tahu.

anyway, bak kata doktor aku la kan. setiap manusia ni ada had die masing2. kadang2 ko marah, sedih dan apa semua tu memang normal. tapi kes aku lain. sebab aku dari dulu dah ada mindset yg buruk2 je tentang diri sendiri. then bila you are put in a very difficult situation. you would break. kirakan gelas aku memang dah hampir penuh. bila kau tambah air sikit je terus air melimpah. camtu la ayat die. hahaha....

kadang2 aku pun pelik dengan diri aku sendiri. kenapa nak kena negatif je. haishhh aku pun x boleh nak jawab soalan tu. kalau la hidup aku semudah tu. bila x ok je, terus tekan reset button. mesti happy je sentiasa.

dan aku bersyukur sebab aku x pursue kerja ikut apa yg aku belaja kat kolej dulu. mau agak nya aku kena meltdown setiap hari. dengarkan cerita kawan aku yg genius dan keje bahagian itu pun aku dah rasa stress. hehehe syukur...syukur...

aku patut banyak bersyukur kot kan.

sebab dalam keadaan aku yg fragile ni pun aku masih boleh kerja, masih ada anak2, masih ada famili, masih ada kawan2.

kena banyak solat taubat ni. heh

ok ni aku cakap kat diri sendiri tau. korang jangan plak bagi nasihat macam ni kat org yg tgh depressed. mmg xkan di layan. aku tau la. sbb masa ko tgh low, mmg ko susah nak keluar dari keadaan tu. just be there for them. mana tau diorg nak dengar cakap korang. heh

kalau la kan...

anyway, doakan aku sentiasa hepi macam ni okay.
harap2 keadaan ni akan berpanjangan. Aminnn....

Hey guys

i have been meaning to close this blog forever but then i change my mind. this blog means a lot to me. from this blog i see myself change. maybe there are things that i want to change. or some memories that i want to erase. but there's also good and fun memories. some of them i didn't even remember.

i love you guys for joining my journey to self discovery. from the good, the bad and the fun times. i promise i'll update more.

maybe some day i'll tell you guys about what happen. but for now, i'm still recovering.

pray for me, okay. ;P

Semi colon

i'm thinking of closing this blog or stop updating. i'm not sure. i just think that i need to distance myself from the social media for a little bit.

i don't know if it's just me or my depression talking but i just can't stand to look at my blog anymore. it hurts to see your former self had really change to the one you are now becoming.

i'm sorry.

i just can't do this anymore.

I feel okay

Hey guys,

so i have been meaning to write but i just can't. so typical of me right.

anyway, if you're asking how i'm doing now? all i can say is i'm in a better place than the last entry. that i can wake up and not stay in bed. that i can smell the freshly cut grass on my way to the office. that i can make a conversation with my colleague without having to go to the bathroom to cry. yes, i have pass all that but i still have a long way to go.

how did i get here?

i had to take some time of work. not because i wanted but i have to. i just can't function anymore. so I went away for a while. i try to find myself that had long lost itself. i try to find the meaning of my life. so i did. well maybe not fully but i'm getting there and also i'm on meds.

well i did say i don't want to. i'm not against medication. it's just i want to know if i can get better without it. turns out my depression was so overwhelming that i thought to myself 'why not try it. maybe i can get better. and when i feel so much better, i can try to wean myself'.

and so that's how i was put on meds. to tell you the truth, it really didn't help much. but i don't feel so low anymore. just stable, i guess.

i just started work today. i think some of my officemate knew what happen. they act as if nothing happen which is good. but then one of my officemate came to me and ask how am i doing. am i okay? and he also jokingly said that he's afraid that i would stab him when i'm depressed. which is weird. people just seem to think people with mental illness likes to kill people. hahaha oh i laugh at him. 

the thing is, some of it maybe true. but to the people who seek help, they can get better. it just takes time. and in my case i would definitely know when i reach my limit. and i usually don't lash out at random people. it's just silly.

anyway, i think i would be okay. my officemate was kind enough to ask how i am. maybe it doesn't look like it but i know he means well. i was so anxious going to the office but then it came naturally. i don't feel scared anymore.

depression is a mental illness. it's the same as when you have a migraine or a stomachache. it really does hurt. but unlike physical illness, you just can't see how bad it is. you can't escape it. when you hurt your foot you can still do other things like reading or play video games. but when your mind is hurting, it consumes you. there's nothing you can do except be patient and wait till the darkness go away. but it would get better. i promise.

Beyond myself

Hey guys,

so i've been meaning to write just to clear things up. But i just don't have the motivation to do just about anything. even my work. it was a constant battle with myself. sometimes i just want to curl in bed and do nothing. for now i'm okay. a little above the water.

anyway, if any of u who feel that i had upset u in any way, i'm sorry. things just don't go as i wanted anymore.

so just to sum it up, i had always have a low self esteem. yes, i may not seem like it but i do feel every single negative comment that was said to me. and it hurts so bad. i try to brush it away, tuck it under my bed but it finally crept itself out. i was also bullied in high school. sigh

i always wanted to seem cheerful or at least happy. that's what the social media is about right. they only show the good side of people when actually we are struggling.

i hope the days after this is going to be better. i'm following the doctor's order. to find the positive outlook of everything. well that is tough. but we need to try anyway. life doesn't always follow what we want. so we might as well make do of what we had.

wish me luck.

Explaining depression

Explaining my depression to my mother: A conversation 

Mom, my depression is a shapeshifter 
One day it's as small as a firefly in the palm of a bear 
The next it's the bear 
On those days I play dead until the bear leaves me alone 
I call the bad days "the Dark Days" 
Mom says, "try lighting candles" 
But when I see a candle, I see the flesh of a church 
The flicker of a flame 
Sparks of a memory younger than noon 
I am standing beside her open casket 
It is the moment I learn every person I ever come to know will someday die 
Besides Mom, I'm not afraid of the dark, perhaps that's part of the problem 
Mom says, "I thought the problem was that you can't get out of bed" 
I can't, anxiety holds me a hostage inside of my house, inside of my head 

Mom says, "Where did anxiety come from?" 
Anxiety is the cousin visiting from out of town that depression felt obligated to bring to the party Mom, I am the party, only I am a party I don't want to be at 
Mom says, "Why don't you try going to actual parties, see your friends" 
Sure I make plans, I make plans but I don't want to go 
I make plans because I know I should want to go; I know sometimes I would have wanted to go 
It's just not that much fun having fun when you don't want to have fun, Mom 
You see, Mom, each night Insomnia sweeps me up in his arms, dips me in the kitchen in the small glow of the stove-light 
Insomnia has this romantic way of making the moon feel like perfect company 
Mom says, "Try counting sheep" 
But my mind can only count reasons to stay awake 
So I go for walks, but my stuttering kneecaps clank like silver spoons held in strong arms with loose wrists 
They ring in my ears like clumsy church bells, reminding me I am sleepwalking on an ocean of happiness that I cannot baptize myself in 

Mom says, "Happy is a decision" 
But my happy is as hollow as a pin pricked egg 
My happy is a high fever that will break 
Mom says I am so good at making something out of nothing and then flat out asks me if I am afraid of dying 
No, I am afraid of living 
Mom, I am lonely 
I think I learned that when Dad left how to turn the anger into lonely the lonely into busy 
So when I say I've been super busy lately 
I mean I've been falling asleep watching Sports Center on the couch 
To avoid confronting the empty side of my bed 
But my depression always drags me back to my bed 
Until my bones are the forgotten fossils of a skeleton sunken city 
My mouth a boneyard of teeth broken from biting down on themselves 
The hollow auditorium of my chest swoons with echoes of a heartbeat 
But I am a careless tourist here 
I will never truly know everywhere I have been 

Mom still doesn't understand 
Mom, can't you see 
That neither can I

 - Sabrina Benaim -






 

Recharge

Hye guys!

i got a lot going on that i don't know where to start. so i am now healthy again. i've been sick for the past week and it was horrible. i got the much dreaded flu. pfhttt.... i have never been so sick. at one point, my temp had reach 39 degress. yup that bad. my throat was red and hoarse that i pretty much didn't ate. and it made me even more weak.  so i needed to have an iv drip because i was dehydrated.


so yeah. that was my weekend.

i just got back to work today and there was a work pile stacked on my desk. hahahaha anyway, i feel recharged now. hopefully i keep being healthy. Aminn...

i also had to do follow up at the hospital because apparently i have depression. well... this is a long story. but to sum it up i have a really bad experience growing up and it kinda relapse. it happen a long time a go and i didn't think much of it because i always manage to somehow control it. but i think i already reach my limit. hence here i am.

but don't worry.
i'm okay now.
i think.
well i want to think that i'm okay.
for now.
just pray for me okay. hopefully i won't have to be on meds which i hate so much. because when you're in treatment, they tell you to let go of your fears. but sometimes the demons just comes back. and i pray that it wouldn't eat me up.

oh god, this entry was supposed to be a happy entry rite?

so sorry about that.

don't think to much about this okay.
i'm so much better now.

just know that in every darkness, there will be light.
and you can see sunshine again.

Hari yg pelik 2.0

semalam memang agak pelik sikit. eh hai. lupa lak nak bagi mukadimah.

anyway, kalau korang ingat la apa yg jadi kat aku 7 tahun lepas.
ok biar aku recap.
masa tu aku sakit perut -- pegi klinik -- masuk air -- naik ambulan -- pegi hospital --- check out

so semalam pun lebih kurang sama la.


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AMARAN!!
apa yg aku tulis ni hanyalah untuk rujukan aku di masa akan datang. sbb pasal kesihatan diri ni kita xleh jangka. hopefully xkan berulang di masa akan datang. but just in case, kena la jot down takut lupa.

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ok dah habis bagi warning masa untuk bercerita lak.

aku rasa better aku recap awal sikit.

dah berapa hari la aku cam x sedap badan. biasa la PMS. tapi masa tu aku rasa ok lagi la. boleh di kawal. then ari selasa malam tu Adik ajak gi Paradigm Mall (PM). masa tu aku dah 1st day period. so dah stat rasa mual, sakit badan, penat toksah cakap la. dah la PM tu besar. nak cari kedai makan pun xtau nak mula dari tingkat berapa. pastu sakit n penat tu membawak ke esok nya.

so semalam aku memang plan xnk gi keje. sbb rasa x larat. tapi aku rasa boleh tahan lagi. so masuk jela ofis macam biasa. ingatkan ok la kan. cuba buat keje tapi x boleh fokus. pastu rasa cam nak pitam. nak kata ada cramping, rasa cam xde. cuma tu la pening je. eh boleh pulak bos aku nak belanja piza lak. so aku plan nak gi klinik amik mc tapi masuk ofis balik makan piza baru balik rumah.

nama pun kita merancang tuhan yg menentukan. aku pegi klinik kol 10.30. aku dapat no giliran 84. masa tu no giliran baru 32. aku ingatkan kejap je. eh lama giler kena tunggu. rupa2 nya masa tu ada buat sunat beramai2. adehhh melanguk la dekat 2 jam aku kat situ. dah la aku makan sikit je pagi tu.

bila sampai giliran aku jumpa doktor, masa tu dah kol 12.30. tangan dah stat gigil. doktor cakap pun aku cam x dengar. doktor suruh baring sbb die nak cek perut. bila aku nak bangun balik je terus rasa berpusing. rasa cam nak pitam. aku cakap kat doktor tu nak baring jap. die suruh baring kat observation room. aku pun ok jela.

sampai kat bilik tu, nurse suruh baring pastu die amik darah lak. eh nape ni kan. pastu masuk air lak. rupa2 nya doktor suruh aku habis kan satu pain air. hadehhh

bosan tunggu. mesti dak ofis aku pelik nape aku x masuk ofis kan. so aku wasap diorg gambar tu. terus masing2 wasap x berenti. (- - ")

bila doktor cek, rupa2 nya tekanan darah aku rendah sikit. yela 1st day period kan. so mungkin banyak hilang darah. plus aku x sarapan kan pagi tu. so bila habis je air tu terus boleh balik. dapat la mc untuk ari tu. dah la lapa giler. aku masuk ofis jap amik piza. hahahah sempat lagi.

pastu rasa cam lapa sangat. yela makan piza mana kenyang. pegi tapau makanan sambil hantar kereta gi car wash. dah setel baru balik rumah. eh sampai rumah je terus pening kepala balik. ingat nak tido kejap je. bangun je dah kol 6.30. hahahaha

anyway, ari ni dah rasa refresh sangat2. dan apa yg doktor tu buat macam membantu jugak la. rasa nya la kot. entah. tapi masih heavy flow. kalau x larat sangat aku balik awal la kot. hopefully ok la. banyak keje nak kena kejar ni.





p/s : malam tadi Al balik je terus peluk aku. risau sangat la tu. hehehehe 
sori sayang buat awak risau. janji x buat lagi okeh. pinky promise.

Allergi teruk

terasa nak menaip lak ari ni. slalu tu asik pandang je blog xtau nak taip apa. hehehe

minggu ni ofis aku bz sikit. ceh ari2 pun bz. tapi minggu ni lain sikit sebab tiba2 je kena alergik yang agak teruk. sebenarnya dah dekat 2 minggu juga aku kena ulser mulut. ingatkan ok la. sbb biasa kena pun kejap je baik. ini x ye. makin menjadi2 lagi ada la.

mula2 tu aku termakan pisang sikit. ye aku tau aku memang ada alergik dengan pisang. apa? pelik? biasa kita dengar org alergik seafood. ni alergik pisang lak. x pelik ye. baca link ni :https://www.webmd.com/allergies/latex-allergies#1

nape aku letak link latex allergy? sila baca entry ni sampai habis ye. nanti aku terangkan.

walaupun dari kecik aku suka makan pisang dan tiap2 kali makan pun akan naik ulser dalam mulut. masa tu aku xtau lagi aku alergik. dan aku ingatkan ulser mulut tu biasa. tapi ada gak rasa pelik nape aku je yg kena. org dulu2 panggil ulser mulut ni mata ikan. biasa kena bila tergigit bibir je.

bila dah besar ni baru la terpikir nak buat food avoidance test (*uji makanan yg boleh atau x boleh kita makan. mula dengan asingkan makanan yg mungkin akan trigger alergi atau lain2 simptom.) sebab nya sejak aku operate buang apendiks, perut aku makin sensitif. kiranya banyak kali jugak la aku kena cirit-birit, muntah2, perut kembung dan kadang2 sakit sangat sampai nak bergerak pun x boleh.

jadi aku rasa memang perlu buat test ni. ala bukan susah pun nak buat. korang just ikut guidance yg ada kat internet dan ikut je. ikut website yg boleh di percayai ye. jangan main hentam je.

so dalam banyak2 makanan yg aku dah asingkan ialah pisang, daging merah, dan buah-buahan sitrus. result memang terang lagi nyata aku memang alergik pisang. daging merah xde masalah sangat. cuma x boleh makan banyak. buah sitrus pun sama. x boleh makan banyak.

minggu lepas adik aku tunang. entry pasal tu lain kali aku update ye. bila la tu. hehehehe

so masa tu kitorg tempah tat buah dan tat keju. selama ni aku makan ok je. entah kenapa ari tu aku makan terus mulut aku rasa semacam. pastu mula la rasa sakit pedih2. esok nya terus naik ulser. masa tu aku memang dah ada ulser dah sbb termakan pisang seminggu sebelum tu(bukan sengaja ok). kali ni naik terus 2 ulser. betul2 kat hujung bibir kiri n kanan.

aku dah terfikir2 nape boleh naik ulser ek. bukan ada pisang pun. pastu baru teringat ada buah kiwi dan nenas. bila aku cari2 alergik nenas n kiwi, aku ternampak yg dua2 buah ni ada connection dengan pisang. so long story short, aku bukan alergik pisang sahaja tapi semua yg ada dalam kategori latex food alergy. haishhhhh.....

agak sengsara jugak la bila ko ada 4 ulser dalam mulut. dengan asik drooling je. pastu nak telan susah. 2 kali aku gi klinik x ok gak. sbb nye aku alergik dengan ubat yg doktor tu bagi. adehhh...last resort aku beli bonjela kat farmasi je. baru la ok sikit. on a positive note, sekurang2 nya ofismate aku nampak la yg aku bukan sengaja xnak makan pisang tapi aku memang alergik. dah kalau muka n bibir bengkak sampai nak cakap pun x boleh. xkan la diorg x percaya lagi kan. diorg pun nape la asik bawak pisang je. bawak la rambutan ke durian ke. baru la aku boleh melantak satu bakul. hehehehe

ikutkan aku xnak cerita sangat pasal alergik ni. sbb org melayu biasa nya akan anggap benda ni biasa. macam eczema pun dah berapa tahun kebelakangan ni baru org nampak yg penyakit ni agak serius. alergi pun perkara yg serius. senang cakap, apa2 yg melibatkan kesihatan memang kita x boleh pandang mudah. jadi tolong la jangan tanya lagi kenapa aku x boleh makan pisang. bukan aku yg pilih apa yg aku boleh makan dan x boleh makan.

ari ni muka aku dah kurang bengkak dah. aku dah boleh cakap n senyum. macam kelakar pulak kena belajar senyum balik. tapi ulser nya belum baik betul lagi. hopefully hujung minggu ni dah ok la. x sabar nak pegi mandi manda. eh apa kaitan daa....hihihi

Long hiatus

hola!

ceh dah lama x menaip rasa lain pulak. ada ke yg rindukan patik hamba yg hina ni? ecewah.

anyway, aku senyap bukan sbb bz pun. sbb xtau nak cerita apa kot. balik2 cerita yg sama je. owh pasal yg aku kena hfmd tu, don't worry ok. aku dah sihat dah. masa cuti hari buruh boleh lak aku selamba badak je balik kampung. yela masa tu ingatkan gegata kan. nasib baik la anak2 aku n anak sedara aku xde apa2. kira nya antibodi diorg ni kuat la kan. heh

ngam2 2 minggu kot tangan n kaki aku dah stat terkopek kulit mati. jari tangan aku pun dah boleh genggam betul. kiranya yg aku kena tu hfmd yg mild la. x dapat aku bayangkan kalau budak2 yg kena siap mulut pecah2 semua. mesti sakit sangat. kebetulan masa aku kena tu, anak budak ofis aku masuk hospital sbb hfmd. dah la budak kecik. tapi sekarang die dah ok kot.

minggu lepas mak lepak rumah aku dekat seminggu gak. alkisahnya ari sabtu tu mak col suruh amik die kat kampung. mak demam panas. 2 hari gak la baru demam mak surut. pastu bila demam dah kebah terus xnak gi klinik. duhh... boleh lak ari ahad dapat cuti sbb JDT menang. pastu isnin cuti lagi sbb tetiba kereta aku rosak. tapi petang tu dah setel dah. so bila ari selasa naik keje cam biasa rasa cam malas jela. sbb cuti 4 hari kan. heheheh

aku n akak hantar mak balik hari jumaat. tup2 2 ari lepas mak cakap die demam lagi. so klau by end minggu ni x baik gak, maybe mak akan datang sini lagi. senang aku nak jaga mak. harap2 la demam mak x berterusan. Aminnn...

ari ni lak masuk keje terus rasa ting tong sbb malam tadi x cukup tido. si Ari la semalam muntah2 pastu demam. so malam tadi aku berjaga sbb jaga die la. ni xtau la dah ok lom. rasa cam nak balik awal la. hmmm... mungkin jap lagi nak jenguk die kat rumah pengasuh. kalau die demam lagi, aku balik awal la. kena bajet2 cuti ni. baru bulan 5 cuti aku dah tinggal separuh. huhuhuhu

I got HFMD

i need to jot this down for future reference if ever it ever occur again which i pray i will not.


day 1
had 2 dot on my right hands. didn't think much of it.

day 2
the dots on my hands has multiply. also had rashes on my feet. thought it was hives. its so itchy, red and hot. it cleared up after i soak it in warm water with some Epsom salt.

day 3
so today is the 3rd day of the attack. its been more than 10 years since i got hives. and last night was the worst of it. for the 1st few days it was ok. theres only a few dots on my hands and it doesn't bother me much.

then last night i thought of gargling with vco (virgin coconut oil). its a natural remedy for many common ailments including hives. so after gargling the vco, i take a teaspoon of it. thinking that it would be better. without drinking warm water. (you're supposed to drink water after taking vco.)

i am so wrong. at 3 am i woke up with throat that felt like it was on fire. the dots filled liquid on my right hand has multiply and its also red and hot.

i didn't know what to do. my face was also warm and rough.so i take a deep breath then i took some yemen honey with warm water and drank it.

a few minutes after that, i felt better. but the dots filled liquid on my hands were still itchy and painful. it felt like my hands are slathered with cili padi.  i put some moogoo soothing cream on it and try to get back to sleep.

i woke up feeling so much better. my face still feel a little rough but thats it. even the dots on my hands are not so warm anymore. but its still painful to touch.

after lunch, i drank more yemen honey and warm water. wash my face with 1:7 of apple cider vinegar : warm water.

the worst dots was on my right ring finger. so it may take a while before i can wear my ring again. hmmmmphhh.

my right ring finger.

if you look closely, you can see there's little dots filled liquid that makes it super itchy and hot.

day 4
the day went by ok. i thought the hives has gone but only to feel more pain at night. another sleepless night it is. hmmphhh.


Update:
exactly 7 days after, the dots has totally gone. it left only a little scar on my right ring finger.



side note :
come to think of it, i don't think what i have is hives coz it felt different from 10 years ago. the thing is, before the dots come out, i had tonsilitis for 3 weeks and i had gone to see 3 doctors.

so when the dots filled liquid come out, i thought that it was nothing. also day 3 is on the weekend and the clinic is closed.(hahaha alasan je kan aku ni)

so i got on a little research and well it may seem like i had hfmd. hfmd is not a child disease. adult can have them too. and i'm going to see a doctor just to confirm it. sighhh...

well....oh well. just got back from the clinic and the doctor gave me this :

a whole load of meds.

i describe to him all my symptoms and he confirms that i have hfmd. he says that there is no cure for hfmd. only meds to help relieve the symptoms. it may take 10-14 days for hfmd to runs its course.

 i ask him about my ring finger. i still can't make a full fist with it. he said maybe its a little swollen. its only been 8 days! and my tonsillitis is back. huhuhu...  i can't wait for this to be over. that means i have to finish my antibiotics. boohoo.... =((





p/s : please consult a doctor for a diagnose before trying the remedies and tips written in this post. do a patch test first. what suits me doesn't mean it suits everyone. =)

Jerebu x berkesudahan

hola!

lama x bersiaran sampai xtau nak taip apa. kadang2 tu ada gak la rasa nak menaip tapi bila duduk depan pc je terus mood xde. sbb keje aku melambak!!! huhuhu rasa nak nangis. dengan tetiba company aku sibuk nak kejar sijil 5S lak. adui laaaa....boleh x xyah? aku rasa aku ni dah cukup 5S dah. meja bersih je. xtau nak kemas camne lagi.

minggu lepas gi lawatan ke UiTM sbb 5S la. x sempat nak melencong ke tempat lain pun. dah kata lawatan kerja kan. tapi tempat die memang kemas giler. x crowded pun. pokok pun plastik je. aku ni atas meja ada satu pokok. dah la besar. pokok nye xde bunga pun. kalau kaktus sekurang2 nya ada kaler gak. motif ada pokok sbb 5S je. pfffttttt...

anyway, rasa rimas la dgn jerebu ni. nak buat aktiviti kat luar pun x selesa. kesian anak aku dah lama x main kat luar. ari tu ada gak la keluar jap. balik tu Ari batuk2. pastu demam lak. ari ni pun badan die suam2 lagi. makan minum sikit je. macam cengkung lak anak aku. jap lagi nak bawak die gi klinik.

semalam hujan lebat gak. harap2 jerebu akan berkurang la. tapi aku tgk ari ni cam sama je. nak kena hujan beberapa hari baru jerebu ok kot. hmmmm..... =((

Berdenyut2 rasa dia

hari ni aku xde mood nak buat keje. tapi keje belambak. camne tu? ni mungkin sbb lapa la kot. dari semalam x makan nasi. bukan xnak tapi x boleh. gusi sakit lagi. huhuhuhuu

alkisah nya ari tu saje la whatsapp kawan aku. ari tu die cabut gigi bongsu siap kena gi spital. pastu dapat mc 3 ari. aku ni xde la sakit gigi. cuma risau je. sbb tetiba ari tu aku rasa gigi aku pecah. yes, pecah. rasa tau gigi aku tinggal separuh.

so aku tanya la kawan aku die gi klinik mana. ari tu dah habis duit tampal gigi si Nia. ni gigi aku buat hal lak. so memang nak gi klinik kerajaan je. kawan aku kata ada klinik kesihatan dekat2 rumah aku. servis pun ok. aku ingat nak gi minggu depan jela. pastu kawan aku balas ni ok.

tgk la tu. die suka takutkan aku tau. bukan la aku takut pun. cuma sayang gigi iolsss tau. eh malu la wallpaper gambar merempit dgn Al. sukaaaaa sangat gambar tu. ceh tetiba cerita lain lak. hehehehe ok2 sambung....tup2 semalam rasa ngilu je gigi ni. nak makan pun x best. so terus je gi klinik. memang x macam klinik kerajaan la. sbb bangunan baru kot so memang kemas je. macam kat klinik swasta pun ada.

1 jam tunggu baru sampai giliran aku. ok la. xde la lama sangat kan. n x sakit pun. lupa lak nak amik pic. mungkin sbb neves kot. hehehe dapat la mc sehari. tapi bila sampai rumah je, terus berdenyut rasa die. mungkin sbb bius dah habis kot.

pastu xleh makan. sbb ngilu n darah banyak giler. sampai habis kapas yg nurse tu bagi. dah la aku dari pagi x makan lagi. nasib baik ada roti. so dari balik klinik sampai ke malam aku makan roti jela.

pagi ni sampai ofis je perut aku dah main lagu rock dah.
gusi dah x sakit lagi tapi rasa nya xleh makan nasi lagi kot.
aduiiiiyaiiii aku lapa nasi pls. rasa macam nak tumbuk2 org je die punye rasa lapa tu.
sabar D.....sabar.....huhuhuhu =((

Minggu yg haywire

minggu ni xtau la keje produktif ke x. rasa cam entah. sbb masih awal bulan kot. so boleh la goyang2 kaki jap.

anyway, ari isnin lepas kat ofis ada buat kempen gaya hidup sihat. ada la checkup kesihatan, ceramah n kempen derma darah. aku kan dah lama giler x derma darah. so gedik la nak derma darah gak. lepas derma tu xde lak rasa pening2 ke apa. rasa biasa je la.

esoknye, kebetulan aku peot. masa pagi kat ofis tu cam biasa la. sekali dah petang rasa pening lak kepala ni. pastu tetiba rasa nak pitam. gi klinik, terus diorg tahan. diorg suruh rehat pastu balik rumah. dapat la mc sehari untuk esok.

ni masuk keje xde mood lak nak buat keje. tapi kan sejak2 ni, bila peot je mula la PMS skali. ni pasal nak pitam ni pun aku rasa ada kena mengena. pastu tolonggggg la moody giler2.

malam tadi lagi best. asik nak marah je. eiiii x suka ok perasaan ni. pastu tengah lipat kain2 tetiba je nangis. apa kes?

so far, ari ni cam dah ok je. kepala pun dah x pening dah. dulu bila org cakap pasal PMS aku buat dek je. skali kena kat diri sendiri kan. padan muka.



p/s : esok cuti. yeay!!!!

Minggu yg sangat sibuk

minggu ni memang tersangat la bz. sbb nak akhir bulan kan. dah la keje banyak pastu tetiba kursus sampai 2 hari lak. pulak tu, Nia demam. aku ni dah serupa panda dah.

sabtu lepas, ikut mak gi kenduri kawin kat mersing. saje. dah lama x gi jalan2. sebenarnya mak nak gi berdua je dgn akak tapi aku gedik nak ikut. pastu diorg cakap kalau Nia xde, aku xleh ikut. xpe ke nak anak je? huhuhuhu

anyway, gerak awal la jugak. sampai kat Mersing ngam2 kol 12. setel makan, jumpa sedara mara jap pastu terus gi beli ole2. beli keropok lekor n keropok goreng n terus balik. ada la singgah kedai kek kawan aku jap tapi die bukan ada pun. sampai rumah terus goreng keropok. hahahaha x nyempat ek. tapi kan bila aku goreng keropok tu, macam banyak rasa tepung la. nak kena beli yg terengganu punye ni. mana la nak cari. hmmmm

Nia ikut mak balik tido GP. satu ari je esoknye mak hantar die balik n terus lepak rumah aku. tapi Nia demam pulak. mak kata balik dari Mersing Nia terus demam. xnk makan, nak tido je. pastu nak mama die. cian anak mama. nasib baik mak stay kat rumah aku sampai ari selasa. so aku gi keje, mak jaga Nia kat rumah. Ari aku hantar gi rumah pengasuh.

ari ni pun Nia demam lagi. lepas hantar Ari, terus bawak Nia gi klinik. doktor cakap Nia demam biasa je. aku dah pikir nak cuti je. yela risau Nia demam x baik2 tapi keje kat ofis banyak. so nak xnak terpaksa la hantar Nia kat rumah pengasuh. kat rumah pengasuh pun ramai yg demam. budak2 skola pun ada yg demam. makcik tu kata rumah die dah macam hospital dah. makcik tu pun baru baik demam. memang tgh musim demam la sekarang ni. haishhhh...

Musim selesema dan weekend update

masuk2 keje ingatkan boleh la buat keje. xde maknanya. sistem still xleh on. sbb nye server x ok lagi. haishhhh melanguk lagi la hari ni. semalam pun sama. =(

anyway, weekend xde buat apa pun. mak balik GP. so mak ajak aku klua. klau ikutkan aku malas nak klua sbb ari kamis tu aku demam. owh crite pasal ari kamis kan, boleh x aku balik dari klinik pastu nak stat kete. kete xleh stat! nasib baik member lelaki ramai. so diorg la yg tolong tolak, siap teman gi bengkel lagi. tapi diorg cakap jangan tukar bateri. so aku pun x tukar la. n sampai ari ni ok la plak. agaknya ari tu kete aku pun demam sama cam tuan die. hehehehe

so ari jumaat mak ajak klua beli langsir dgn akak skali. gi Jakel. skali offer dah habis la plak. so x jadi kitorg gi Angsana lak. ada org tu demand nak makan kepci okeh. eh bukan aku ye. Nia yg mintak. ye dah pandai nak mintak macam lak skrang. sampai depan pintu kepci terus 'Ha, yang ni la yg kakak nak makan. kakak nak makan banyak2.' siap tangan depang2 ok nak tunjukkan banyak tu.

lepas makan, tgk2 la kat area pentas tu ada ekspo kanak2 ek. ya Allah dugaan nye. sana sini banyak mainan. pulak tu aku x bawak stroller. memang cepat jela si Ari tu capai sana sini. Nia pun sama naik. pastu cepat aku ajak mak balik. x tahan ok nak kena kawal 2 budak.

ari sabtu lak aku ikutkan mak n ayah gi Pasir Gudang. ayah x penah gi tempat festival layang2  kat Pasir Gudang. so kitorg bawak la. tapi xde apa2 pun kat situ. dah la pegi tgh hari. memang panas ya amat. Nia ada gak la main buai tapi kejap je. x tahan kot panas.

pastu masa nak balik tu hujan la pulak. so singgah Kipmart jap makan n solat. pastu mak n ayah hantar aku balik. diorang lak terus gerak balik BP. Nia ikut mak balik kampung. suka la die. berjalan je keje nye. pulak tu ayah suka melayan. ni kalau ikutkan hari ni mak hantar Nia balik tapi mak x mesej lagi.

owh kan Nia xde kat rumah kan. Ari suka la aku layan die sorang je. budak ini kan memang manja sangat tau. sikit2 mama mama... die panggil. menggeramkan tau. huhuhu

 ni lak gambar masa rabu lepas. on the way balik rumah nampak lembu. Nia n Ari excited nak tgk.

puas panggil Ari ajak amik gambar. x di layan nye. die lagi syok tgk lembu. hahahaha



di akhiri dgn gambar superhero mama.

p/s : tgk2 gambar2 ni semua, tetiba rindu la plak kat budak 2 org ni. rindu kat Nia gak. hmmm....

p/s/s : masih selesema. huhuhuhu bila la nak baik ni.....

Dua-dua pun kena serangan virus

dah lama x update kan. entah la. macam xtau lak nak cerita apa.

minggu lepas mak tido rumah aku. ala sehari je sbb malam sebelum tu kitorg gi rumah Maksu hantar hp. ye, hantar hp je. Maksu sape la tu kan. asik tertinggal barang je. masa ari jumaat tu, Maksu n famili datang rumah hantar air kotak. Ai kan nak kawin so diorg sponsor air kotak. tu yg boleh tertinggal hp tu. tapi tipikal Maksu....alway left something behind. hehehe

anyway, mak aku konon nye nak hantar hp tu sendiri je esok pagi.tup2 tetiba je 'jom gi rumah Maksu'.

nak xnak kena la ikut cakap mak. yela, boleh terus balik rumah.. so terus gi rumah Maksu. sampai2 je bagi hp ingat nak terus balik, Maksu ajak makan dulu lak. ok la. perut pun dah berkeroncong dah. lepas makan, terus balik. sempat la Nia n Ari main dgn pakcik2 die.

balik dari rumah Maksu, hujan la pulak. dah la kete mak xde aircond. nasib baik berjaya sampai rumah gak. tu pun tetiba aircond macam boleh berfungsi sikit. 2 minggu x berjalan, dapat gi rumah Maksu pun jadila. yela, Nia dgn Ari boleh lak kena serangan virus. slalu tu kalau virus kan selesema atau demam kan. ni x, diorg kena cirit n muntah2. mula2 Ari kena, pastu baru Nia. tu pun jangkit sbb diorg kongsi makan aiskrim kot.

gambar di masa kejadian berkongsi aiskrim/virus.

 kongsi makan. comel giler budak 2 org ni....

muka bersalah makan aiskrim.

Nia hepi je dapat makan aiskrim. sampai rumah terus muntah. oh no!

owh lupa lak pagi jumaat tu ada klua gi Mydin. yela, kan Maksu n Lela (anak pakcik aku lagi sorg) nak datang. so kena la beli barang dapur sikit. mak konon nak gi sorg tapi beria2 ajak aku. aku pun 'terpaksa' ikut. hahahaha beli barang je dah dekat sejam. apa yg lama sangat pun xtau la. nasib baik mak aku supermom. sampai rumah je terus masak apa patut. aku pun xkan nak tengok je kan. aku buat signature dish aku. kek coklat moist tapi x berapa moist. sbb mak boleh klua kan kek tu pastu letak atas oven. jadi kek tu dari kembang die jadi kuncup balik. mak sape la ni. haishhhhh nasib baik masih sedap.

ari ni perut aku lak rasa cam x sedap. dah berapa kali dah gi toilet. harap2 la x kena cam budak2 ni. yela kalau mak nye yg sakit, nanti terbiar lak anak aku. dilema mak2 sangat kan. hahahaha





 p/s : cam x caye je Ai dah nak kawin. harap majlis berjalan lancar. Amiiinnnn....