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Monday, October 22, 2018

Semi colon

i'm thinking of closing this blog or stop updating. i'm not sure. i just think that i need to distance myself from the social media for a little bit.

i don't know if it's just me or my depression talking but i just can't stand to look at my blog anymore. it hurts to see your former self had really change to the one you are now becoming.

i'm sorry.

i just can't do this anymore.

Thursday, October 11, 2018

I feel okay

Hey guys,

so i have been meaning to write but i just can't. so typical of me right.

anyway, if you're asking how i'm doing now? all i can say is i'm in a better place than the last entry. that i can wake up and not stay in bed. that i can smell the freshly cut grass on my way to the office. that i can make a conversation with my colleague without having to go to the bathroom to cry. yes, i have pass all that but i still have a long way to go.

how did i get here?

i had to take some time of work. not because i wanted but i have to. i just can't function anymore. so I went away for a while. i try to find myself that had long lost itself. i try to find the meaning of my life. so i did. well maybe not fully but i'm getting there and also i'm on meds.

well i did say i don't want to. i'm not against medication. it's just i want to know if i can get better without it. turns out my depression was so overwhelming that i thought to myself 'why not try it. maybe i can get better. and when i feel so much better, i can try to wean myself'.

and so that's how i was put on meds. to tell you the truth, it really didn't help much. but i don't feel so low anymore. just stable, i guess.

i just started work today. i think some of my officemate knew what happen. they act as if nothing happen which is good. but then one of my officemate came to me and ask how am i doing. am i okay? and he also jokingly said that he's afraid that i would stab him when i'm depressed. which is weird. people just seem to think people with mental illness likes to kill people. hahaha oh i laugh at him. 

the thing is, some of it maybe true. but to the people who seek help, they can get better. it just takes time. and in my case i would definitely know when i reach my limit. and i usually don't lash out at random people. it's just silly.

anyway, i think i would be okay. my officemate was kind enough to ask how i am. maybe it doesn't look like it but i know he means well. i was so anxious going to the office but then it came naturally. i don't feel scared anymore.

depression is a mental illness. it's the same as when you have a migraine or a stomachache. it really does hurt. but unlike physical illness, you just can't see how bad it is. you can't escape it. when you hurt your foot you can still do other things like reading or play video games. but when your mind is hurting, it consumes you. there's nothing you can do except be patient and wait till the darkness go away. but it would get better. i promise.

Sunday, September 30, 2018

Beyond myself

Hey guys,

so i've been meaning to write just to clear things up. But i just don't have the motivation to do just about anything. even my work. it was a constant battle with myself. sometimes i just want to curl in bed and do nothing. for now i'm okay. a little above the water.

anyway, if any of u who feel that i had upset u in any way, i'm sorry. things just don't go as i wanted anymore.

so just to sum it up, i had always have a low self esteem. yes, i may not seem like it but i do feel every single negative comment that was said to me. and it hurts so bad. i try to brush it away, tuck it under my bed but it finally crept itself out. i was also bullied in high school. sigh

i always wanted to seem cheerful or at least happy. that's what the social media is about right. they only show the good side of people when actually we are struggling.

i hope the days after this is going to be better. i'm following the doctor's order. to find the positive outlook of everything. well that is tough. but we need to try anyway. life doesn't always follow what we want. so we might as well make do of what we had.

wish me luck.

Tuesday, September 4, 2018

Explaining depression

Explaining my depression to my mother: A conversation 

Mom, my depression is a shapeshifter 
One day it's as small as a firefly in the palm of a bear 
The next it's the bear 
On those days I play dead until the bear leaves me alone 
I call the bad days "the Dark Days" 
Mom says, "try lighting candles" 
But when I see a candle, I see the flesh of a church 
The flicker of a flame 
Sparks of a memory younger than noon 
I am standing beside her open casket 
It is the moment I learn every person I ever come to know will someday die 
Besides Mom, I'm not afraid of the dark, perhaps that's part of the problem 
Mom says, "I thought the problem was that you can't get out of bed" 
I can't, anxiety holds me a hostage inside of my house, inside of my head 

Mom says, "Where did anxiety come from?" 
Anxiety is the cousin visiting from out of town that depression felt obligated to bring to the party Mom, I am the party, only I am a party I don't want to be at 
Mom says, "Why don't you try going to actual parties, see your friends" 
Sure I make plans, I make plans but I don't want to go 
I make plans because I know I should want to go; I know sometimes I would have wanted to go 
It's just not that much fun having fun when you don't want to have fun, Mom 
You see, Mom, each night Insomnia sweeps me up in his arms, dips me in the kitchen in the small glow of the stove-light 
Insomnia has this romantic way of making the moon feel like perfect company 
Mom says, "Try counting sheep" 
But my mind can only count reasons to stay awake 
So I go for walks, but my stuttering kneecaps clank like silver spoons held in strong arms with loose wrists 
They ring in my ears like clumsy church bells, reminding me I am sleepwalking on an ocean of happiness that I cannot baptize myself in 

Mom says, "Happy is a decision" 
But my happy is as hollow as a pin pricked egg 
My happy is a high fever that will break 
Mom says I am so good at making something out of nothing and then flat out asks me if I am afraid of dying 
No, I am afraid of living 
Mom, I am lonely 
I think I learned that when Dad left how to turn the anger into lonely the lonely into busy 
So when I say I've been super busy lately 
I mean I've been falling asleep watching Sports Center on the couch 
To avoid confronting the empty side of my bed 
But my depression always drags me back to my bed 
Until my bones are the forgotten fossils of a skeleton sunken city 
My mouth a boneyard of teeth broken from biting down on themselves 
The hollow auditorium of my chest swoons with echoes of a heartbeat 
But I am a careless tourist here 
I will never truly know everywhere I have been 

Mom still doesn't understand 
Mom, can't you see 
That neither can I

 - Sabrina Benaim -



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