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Thursday, November 29, 2018

Hey guys

i have been meaning to close this blog forever but then i change my mind. this blog means a lot to me. from this blog i see myself change. maybe there are things that i want to change. or some memories that i want to erase. but there's also good and fun memories. some of them i didn't even remember.

i love you guys for joining my journey to self discovery. from the good, the bad and the fun times. i promise i'll update more.

maybe some day i'll tell you guys about what happen. but for now, i'm still recovering.

pray for me, okay. ;P

Monday, October 22, 2018

Semi colon

i'm thinking of closing this blog or stop updating. i'm not sure. i just think that i need to distance myself from the social media for a little bit.

i don't know if it's just me or my depression talking but i just can't stand to look at my blog anymore. it hurts to see your former self had really change to the one you are now becoming.

i'm sorry.

i just can't do this anymore.

Thursday, October 11, 2018

I feel okay

Hey guys,

so i have been meaning to write but i just can't. so typical of me right.

anyway, if you're asking how i'm doing now? all i can say is i'm in a better place than the last entry. that i can wake up and not stay in bed. that i can smell the freshly cut grass on my way to the office. that i can make a conversation with my colleague without having to go to the bathroom to cry. yes, i have pass all that but i still have a long way to go.

how did i get here?

i had to take some time of work. not because i wanted but i have to. i just can't function anymore. so I went away for a while. i try to find myself that had long lost itself. i try to find the meaning of my life. so i did. well maybe not fully but i'm getting there and also i'm on meds.

well i did say i don't want to. i'm not against medication. it's just i want to know if i can get better without it. turns out my depression was so overwhelming that i thought to myself 'why not try it. maybe i can get better. and when i feel so much better, i can try to wean myself'.

and so that's how i was put on meds. to tell you the truth, it really didn't help much. but i don't feel so low anymore. just stable, i guess.

i just started work today. i think some of my officemate knew what happen. they act as if nothing happen which is good. but then one of my officemate came to me and ask how am i doing. am i okay? and he also jokingly said that he's afraid that i would stab him when i'm depressed. which is weird. people just seem to think people with mental illness likes to kill people. hahaha oh i laugh at him. 

the thing is, some of it maybe true. but to the people who seek help, they can get better. it just takes time. and in my case i would definitely know when i reach my limit. and i usually don't lash out at random people. it's just silly.

anyway, i think i would be okay. my officemate was kind enough to ask how i am. maybe it doesn't look like it but i know he means well. i was so anxious going to the office but then it came naturally. i don't feel scared anymore.

depression is a mental illness. it's the same as when you have a migraine or a stomachache. it really does hurt. but unlike physical illness, you just can't see how bad it is. you can't escape it. when you hurt your foot you can still do other things like reading or play video games. but when your mind is hurting, it consumes you. there's nothing you can do except be patient and wait till the darkness go away. but it would get better. i promise.

Sunday, September 30, 2018

Beyond myself

Hey guys,

so i've been meaning to write just to clear things up. But i just don't have the motivation to do just about anything. even my work. it was a constant battle with myself. sometimes i just want to curl in bed and do nothing. for now i'm okay. a little above the water.

anyway, if any of u who feel that i had upset u in any way, i'm sorry. things just don't go as i wanted anymore.

so just to sum it up, i had always have a low self esteem. yes, i may not seem like it but i do feel every single negative comment that was said to me. and it hurts so bad. i try to brush it away, tuck it under my bed but it finally crept itself out. i was also bullied in high school. sigh

i always wanted to seem cheerful or at least happy. that's what the social media is about right. they only show the good side of people when actually we are struggling.

i hope the days after this is going to be better. i'm following the doctor's order. to find the positive outlook of everything. well that is tough. but we need to try anyway. life doesn't always follow what we want. so we might as well make do of what we had.

wish me luck.


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